Asterisks Outlawed

A lynch mob has formed around an Arizona school, demanding justice after some silly girls implied a bad word with the letters on their shirts.

A portion of the message "BEST * YOU’VE * EVER * SEEN * CLASS * OF * 2016" rearranged themselves into "NI**ER," to send a funny picture to the black boyfriend of one of them.  In the original image where their faces are not blurred, the white girls are seen laughing and enjoying themselves, no doubt reveling in their privilege and hate.

Although the girls cannot strictly be said to have spelled anything at all, commentators are convinced the witches have cast the most evil spell imaginable.  Although the administration gave each of the perpetrators a five day suspension, that is not enough.

One student said on Twitter, "I got suspended for 5 days because I was tardy over 25 times. Glad racism is viewed just as important as punctuality," showing just how severely the offensive Snapchat post has disrupted classes at Desert Vista High School.

Although no member of the school's faculty was aware of the image before it was posted, an online petition has been started demanding the principal be fired and the girls expelled.

To show the censored joke intended for a specific person is not reflective of their school's values, the Black Student Union assembled a group of white and black students under the banner, "#thunderstrong," which means something.

Clever Science Man Says We're All Doomed

Stephen Hawking has warned a schoolboy that the human race will surely face global disaster, "in the foreseeable future."  Whether by means of genetically-engineered viruses, nuclear war, or global warming, we stand a reasonable chance of being wiped out entirely thanks to our own overreaching hubris.

"Most of the threats we face come from the progress we’ve made... We are not going to stop making progress," opined Hawking.

Stephen Hawking is a professor.

Refugees Rescued Woman From Refugees

It has emerged that a 27-year-old American neuroscience student was protected from being sexually assaulted by Syrian refugees by Syrian refugees.

On New Year's Eve in Cologne and other European cities, hundreds of young male economic migrants from North Africa and the Middle East abused, assaulted, robbed or raped at least a hundred young European women.  Europe has learned the expression "taharrush gamea" for what is apparently a phenomenon not without precedent in the Islamic world.  In this case fireworks were used to distract the crowd, and premeditated posses surrounded vulnerable women to assault them.

Thankfully one group created a protective cordon around one woman to prevent her from being raped.  This demonstrates that not all Muslims are bad people, thereby negating any possible concern about cultural incompatibilities.

British Curry Crisis

The CBC reports that the venerable British tradition of Indian curry is under threat, and only more immigration will sustain it.

"If the curry industry dies, what happens?" asked Azmal Hussein, who recently had to close one of his restaurants. "A lot of people will suffer."

"The British people love curry," said Oli Khan, vice-president of the Bangladesh Caterers Association. "But we're not sure they will want to pay higher prices for it."