German Man May Be Prosecuted For Insulting Racist Murderer

Munich resident Thomas Salbey is facing possible charges for calling Ali Sonboly, the Munich shooter, a wanker.  Charges could include "insults to the detriment of the dead," not inclusive of the nine people Sonboly killed.

Racial and Religious Abuse Increasing Among Small Children

A three-year-old Mancunian has been questioned by police for a possible hate crime after causing "harassment, alarm, or distress" to his victim.

Hillary Too Dumb To Do Wrong

The Democratic presidential nominee acted carelessly and recklessly in her treatment of classified information, but certainly not criminally.  You see, she was perhaps not "sophisticated enough to understand" that "(C)" means "Classified."  So there you have it.  She looks forward to your vote.

13% of Americans Would Prefer "President Giant Meteor"

A new poll suggests an apocalyptic firestorm, caused by a giant meteor, might be better than electing Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump--so thinks a portion of respondents larger than the supporters of the Libertarian and Green Party nominees put together.  Support for the nascent Giant Meteor Party comes from all ends of the political spectrum, though with a slightly lower approval rating among moderates.

No Racial Bias Here

Van Harten said there wasn’t enough evidence to establish the claim that Crowchief attacked White because of her skin color, despite the fact that the perpetrator, who had never met the victim before the attack, yelled “I hate white people” before throwing a punch.

"We didn't halt the parade, we made progress in the parade."

The first sitting prime minister of Canada to participate in the Toronto Pride parade was held up for half an hour by Black Lives Matter protestors demanding a more inclusive space that didn't have any police officers.

"The precise motivation for the rampage remains unclear"

Here’s who the New York Times blames, in order: Republican politicians, Republican-led state legislatures, Republican governors, Republican federal lawmakers, Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Ted Cruz, North Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, Mississippi Gov. Phil Bryant, anyone who believes in traditional marriage, anyone who’s ever voted to preserve traditional marriage, and anyone who has ever voted for anyone who believes in or has voted to preserve traditional marriage.

Flat Earth Debate Heats Up

A 56-year-old Brockville man was so enraged by his son's girlfriend's irrational suggestion that the Earth is flat that he threw a propane cylinder into their campfire.  Police expect to charge the man with mischief, while there are no charges pending for the woman's heresy.

Minority Silenced

DePaul College Republicans invited Milo Yiannopoulos to speak at their school on the subject of feminism.  At the last minute, the DePaul University administration demanded that the club pay for an expensive security team.  When protestors took to the stage, stole a microphone, and threatened to punch the speaker, administrators ordered the officers to stand down.  The event was eventually cancelled.

PM Bumps MP

Justin Trudeau, the proud feminist prime minister who touted his historic gender-balanced cabinet, is now in hot water for elbowing a woman in the House of Commons.

"I am ashamed to be a witness to the person who holds the highest position in our country do such an act," said NDP MP Nikki Ashton. "I want to say that for all of us who witnessed this, this was deeply traumatic, what I will say, if we apply a gendered lens, it is very important that young women in this space feel safe to come here and work here."

The prime minister has repeatedly apologised for accidentally bumping a lady while "manhandling" a man.

"I want to take the opportunity... to be able to express directly to [Brosseau] my apologies for my behaviour and my actions, unreservedly. The fact is in this situation, where I saw... I noticed that the whip opposite was being impeded in his progress, I took it upon myself to go and assist him forward, which I can now see was unadvisable as a course of actions that resulted in physical contact in this House that we can all accept was unacceptable," because it's 2016.

Ebony Dickens Did Not Do Anything

A woman who posted on Facebook that she condoned black people killing white cops, and declared that she herself was plotting to shoot and kill as many as she could the next day (while invoking free speech) intended the statement, "Death to all white cops nationwide" as satire.  Charges of terroristic threats and inciting a riot have been dropped, because she said she's sorry.  She was only a black woman trying to make a point about white privilege, after all.

Big Solution For Big Problem

Faced with the prospect of having to conserve water, the United Arab Emirates is considering building a mountain to command the rain instead.  Millennia hence, no one will believe the stories.

Stockholm Syndrome in Norway

Norwegian politician Karsten Nordal Hauken feels guilt and responsibility over the deportation of the Somali who brutally raped him.

Grown-ups Ruin Easter

The Pez candy visitor's centre in Orange, Connecticut was the site of a planned hunt for plastic eggs containing Pez.  The plan was for three waves of children, starting with the youngest, to be allowed onto three separate fields littered with candy.  Instead, certain parents descended on each field in turn (“kind of like locusts”) before the hunt was intended to begin -- knocking over children, trampling them, and stealing eggs from other people's baskets.  It's what Jesus would have wanted.

God Loves And/Or Hates Mormon

Mason Wells is a young Mormon, just 19-years-old.  As a missionary, he travels around the world on a religious mission, hoping to do good works to spread the good word of his faith.

Wells was in Boston, just a block away from the finish line of the marathon, when some Islamic extremists detonated a bomb to express their faith.  Luckily Mason was okay.  He was in Paris when some other Islamic extremists detonated another bomb for their god.  He got burned, but he stayed in good spirits.  Recently he was in the airport in Brussels, in the middle of the blast zone, when some more Islamic extremists detonated still another bomb.  He will be in hospital for several weeks, but it's hoped that he won't have any scars.

Mason is said to have kept his calm and sense of humour while bleeding on the ground.

Furries Greet Refugees

The key to successfully integrating Muslim peoples into Western culture is exposing their children to people who dress up as stuffed animals in order to bone.  Sure, why not?

30% of GOP voters support bombing the city from Aladdin

Almost one-third of Republican primary voters would support bombing the fictional kingdom of Agrabah, according to a report released by Public Policy Polling on Friday.

4 out of 5 say they would prefer Russian president than Cameron as UK leader

Asked 'Who would you rather was Britain's prime minister?', 78 per cent chose the Russian president, while 22 per cent voted for Mr Cameron.

Yale Students Eagerly Sign Petition to Repeal the First Amendment

The fact that some of the supposedly best and brightest college students this country has to offer are practically jumping up and down with glee to attempt to get rid of one of the most important natural rights we have as human beings just kinda makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

Star Wars porn sees 500% sales growth in two weeks

"The spike in sales for the parody is representative of a much larger trend of brand-specific merchandise for Star Wars, which shows the strong bond fans have with the movies."